Ada, OH – Just a few weeks after entering operation on campus, the popular Kiwibots have taken on a more substantial role in university finances. In a statement Friday, ONU’s Director of Business Services revealed,
Kiwibot has revolutionized Ohio Northern’s campus. I am proud to announce that Kiwibot has generated $3,577,865.38 during its first whole week of operation. We expect the program to amass approximately $125,225,000 by the end of the academic year. This will represent an 87 percent increase in revenue from last year and will account for up to 46.8% of annual income next year.
Some analysts believe that Kiwibot will account for upwards of 90% of university income by 2028. However, skeptics claim these figures are alarmist and overblown.
Specific measures have been implemented in Kiwibot’s business model and campus infrastructure to accommodate the massive increase in demand. Information Technology is working on integrating the Self Service Banner into the Kiwibot app’s user interface, arguing that students spend more time there anyways. In addition to the existing Silver, Gold, and Diamond membership tiers, Kiwibot is introducing “Amethyst” and “Glastonbury Coral” tiers. The former offers 100 deliveries for $209/semester. In contrast, the latter offers infinite free delivery in exchange for part-time employment at Sodexo. To fulfill the influx of orders, ONU Public Safety vehicles will be converted into “high capacity” Kiwibots. To be self-driving, the larger Kiwibots will be outfitted with software pirated from the Tesla Model X. Pedestrians are advised to exercise caution.
The Office of Communications and Marketing has hinted that Kiwibot’s newfound prevalence on campus may have other impacts on the student experience. A portion of the newfound capital will likely be invested in a rebranding of WOW as “Kiwi Kafe.” One anonymous source claims that Klondike will be retired as the mascot and be replaced by an anthropomorphized Kiwibot. Although not confirmed, school colors and iconography changes are not off the table either.
When asked for comment, the Kiwibot said “HELLO,” and made pixelated heart eyes.