This is not satire.

I was recently informed that I should write a disclaimer for those who do not understand that my writing in The Definite Article is satire. Okay. Sure. Whatever. Here we go.

The Definite Article is not a serious blog–hopefully the name alone may indicate that. I’ve always found it slightly pretentious to place “The” in front of proper names to convey exclusivity or legitimacy. Nothing more overtly mocks this trend by using “the” in my title ahead of the article of speech it constitutes: the definite article (as opposed to the indefinite article, “a/an”). The double entendre comes in the use of “article” to refer to a news article, the medium being used for my satirization. Of course, explaining it makes it sound incredibly uninteresting, but maybe that’s just what happens when one dissects comedy. Let’s do some more.

I’d like to think that, in keeping with Northern Review’s soft rule of only covering items of newsworthiness to a specific audience of Ohio Northern students, families, and alumni, The Definite Article satirizes topics of the same newsworthiness. By far my favorite satire of the few that have come to publish (more on this later) is Hill Demolition to be Followed by All Other Buildings on Campus, because the humor is only understandable in the context of relatively specific social phenomena which have played out over the past year–namely, administration’s secrecy on Hill and the student body’s rampant speculation.

Not all satire articles I have written or pitched have made it to publication, however. I’m not going to describe them here–that would defeat the point of not publishing them–but I will reflect a little on how I have tried to balance my voice. If you haven’t already figured out that The Definite Article is satire from the rest of this disclaimer, I can’t help you. At this point I’m just writing for the hell of it. Anyways, sometimes it is frustrating to have ideas shut down (or strongly advised against), but I legitimately care much more about maintaining a positive relationship on the professional level with administration and on the interpersonal level with my peers than anything I could write in this ridiculous column. This does mean that I have had to keep some ideas to myself–including the single piece I am most proud of writing in any of my work for Northern Review. 

So, in conclusion, and I can not stress this enough, The Definite Article is satire. Not real. A bunch of dumb ideas that came from my head. Please read it as such. And, sincerely, thank you for reading.

By Gabriel Mott

News Editor, Award-Winning Satirical Columnist, Writer

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